1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize