I met the friendliest cop last night
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
