i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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