we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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