Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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