I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
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Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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