Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
