I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize