Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
