My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
