I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
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theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
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i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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