I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
