Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
