I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Randomize
