Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
