The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
