You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
