If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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