the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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