New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
