you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
