Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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