Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
