That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
