why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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