loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
