I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
