So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
