he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
