It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
