you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
