in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
