Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
