My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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