Jerry, you need to find god
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
