If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
