I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
