Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.