I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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