My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.