it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.