Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.