Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
