Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
