I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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