Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
