I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
