just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
