maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
