By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize