I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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