I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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