OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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