Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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