I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
