if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
