i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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