So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
