Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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