Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
