Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
